Harry Judd’s wife Izzy has revealed that one of their children has pathological demand avoidance (PDA) which means you can’t tell them what to do – such as tidy their room or say please and thank you – because it could make them anxious.
The violinist, 41, who married McFly drummer Harry, 39, in 2012, shared the candid insight into their home life while discussing the challenges they face as parents of a neurodivergent child.
‘Pathological demand avoidance is linked with autism and it’s basically about demands that are put on a child who underneath the demand has a lot of anxiety,’ Izzy explained on the latest episode of Dr Alex George’s Stompcast podcast.
‘From the moment a child wakes up in the morning, they are being told to eat their breakfast, get dressed, brush your teeth.
‘And all these anxieties are forming in them – that people are putting pressure and demands on them. They don’t respond to authority or hierarchy. They want autonomy, they want to be in control.
‘If you flip it and go, “I’ve left your clothes out…” I actually just don’t even say it anymore. And I don’t ask many questions at all because that’s placing a demand, and a demand is too anxiety-provoking.’
Harry Judd’s wife Izzy has revealed one of their children has been diagnosed with pathological demand avoidance as she detailed the parental challenges on The Stompcast
Izzy shares daughter Lola, eight and sons Kit, seven, and Lockie, three, with the McFly drummer (pictured in 2022)
She acknowledged: ‘To the outsider looking in, they might see that as a sort of lazy parenting or a lack of discipline or whatever it is they want to say.’
Izzy, who shares daughter Lola, eight and sons Kit, seven, and Lockie, three, with Harry, revealed in April that one of their children was neurodivergent.
The former Escala musician, who was a finalist on Britain’s Got Talent in 2008, did not name which of their children has been diagnosed.
In an emotional Instagram post at the time, Izzy explained that she and Harry had been ‘learning how to parent a neurodivergent child’ for several years, describing the process as ‘overwhelming’ and ‘all-consuming’.
In her new interview this week, she said she has had to adapt her entire approach to parenting to ensure she doesn’t overwhelm her children with rigid routines and expectations.
‘I kind of let go of being late a long time ago,’ she admitted. ‘The more pressure you feel – “you’ve got to go!” – the more it’s going to slow everything down.
‘Now I just shove them in the car, and if they’re cold, they’ll put on their coat. Once they feel the autonomy that they’re in control, amazing things happen.’
Izzy added that external expectations often clash with the needs of neurodivergent children – meaning they are often misunderstood.
Speaking with host Dr Alex George, she said she has had to adapt her entire approach to parenting to ensure she doesn’t overwhelm her children with rigid routines and expectations
Izzy added that external expectations often clash with the needs of neurodivergent children – meaning they are often misunderstood (pictured in December 2023)
‘There are quite rigid societal expectations of how children are supposed to behave,’ she said.
‘For a neurodivergent child, they’re physically unable to sit. It’s not because they don’t want to – they can’t. But then, as a parent, you’re going: “I need to teach my child to sit at the table and say please and thank you.” What if they can’t look at somebody? What if that makes them feel really uncomfortable?’
She added that the journey has forced her to ‘let go of comparisons’ and others’ opinions on her parenting style.
‘Initially, I felt the judgement really heavily,’ she said. ‘You have to go through a kind of grief process that things aren’t going to be as you thought they would be.’
Izzy also touched on how school environments can be particularly tough for children with PDA, calling for greater understanding in education.
‘Our classrooms aren’t really inclusive,’ she said. ‘For a lot of our neurodivergent kids, everything in school is a struggle… It can just take a couple of teachers to really understand your child – that could be the difference between them being able to remain at school or [not].’
She said many parents are left feeling like ‘outsiders’, forced to make difficult choices such as skipping birthday parties that can be too overwhelming.
‘Birthday parties are hugely challenging because there’s this expectation,’ she explained. ‘If your child isn’t behaving “normally”, you spend the entire time conflicted about how to handle it. So a long time ago, I thought: why am I going to these parties? No one’s enjoying it.
‘So we don’t don’t do birthday parties. Also, if we wrap a birthday present, we will say what’s in it. Not knowing what’s inside a present is a big thing – a big demand to open it and then be grateful and then say thank you.’
Izzy – who has written two bestselling books, Dare to Dream and Mindfulness for Mums – also revealed how everyday traditions like Christmas can be fraught with anxiety for neurodivergent families.
‘Christmas starts in November,’ she said. ‘The songs, the changes in routine, the expectations… and then they want beige food, so you put a pizza in the oven, and people say,
“That’s rude.” Although you know what’s right for your child, there’s always friction.’
Izzy also touched on how school environments can be particularly tough for children with PDA, calling for greater understanding in education (pictured in 2022)
Harry and Izzy, who met when she was part of the string quartet performing on McFly’s 2005 tour, married seven years later in a ceremony covered exclusively by Hello! magazine.
They’ve since become one of the most enduring couples to emerge from the pop scene, regularly sharing family moments and raising awareness around mental health and fertility.
Harry, who won Strictly Come Dancing in 2011, has also been open about his own experiences with anxiety, admitting in the past that therapy and meditation have helped him manage his mental health.
Izzy added: ‘Most of the time when I’m unkind to myself is when I’ve tried to please someone else rather than my child. If a child is in pain, and it’s visual, it’s easier to have empathy.
‘But when behaviour is really challenging, it’s hard to find that empathy. You’ve got to try and look underneath and ask, “What have I missed?”’