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Elizabeth Gilbert shared a very influential mental exercise during her recovery, revealing how the adjectives of our childhoods create a ‘home’ that current psychological make-up thereby determines our choice of relationships unintentionally in our adulthood. The writer’s open dialogue, endorsed by Oprah’s Book Club, resonated with many and caused thousands to reflect on their own behaviors. This very viewpoint offered a way to clarify why very often people opt for partners resembling their exes even though the relationship is quite unhealthy.
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Gilbert treated love and relationships like a psychologist, offering professional insights but at the same time speaking like a regular person. The five-minute fragment that Oprah’s Book Club put up on the internet features the ‘Eat Pray Love’ author venturing deep into her mind and pulling out a very enlightening experience from her therapy. One old, wise woman, whom she refers to, devised a very straightforward but radical game for her: enumerate five words that characterize your childhood the best. Gilbert as an instance gives her own words: creative, interesting, cold, hard, and keeping away.
Then comes the most surprising thing. She claims that the very moment you see a person who has the traits of the five words, your body’s alert goes wild but this time in a positive way—like home-cooked food. This person, though perhaps with all their complexities and even difficult traits, feels like home. The attraction is very strong, almost by fate. Gilbert wonders if we are actually not trying to re-experience our childhood environment but the difference is that we want it to work so badly this time around that we are willing to even dictate the outcome of the story that was written long time ago, even the addict’s favorite saying would be different this time.
The comment section turned into an unplanned online support group. One commentator was utterly astonished and said, ‘She has just given me with crystal clarity the answer for which I have always sought—why I am attracted to certain people and vice versa even if they are not good for me and what I can do about it. I am totally impressed.’ The sudden, shocking clarity mood was the common thread. Another participant just wrote, ‘This is very interesting!! It could not be simpler but still so true,’ thus indicating the strength of the idea that is both simple and elegant.
Some reflections were not about the past in a hard and painful way but in a more lighthearted manner. One person for example used adjectives like ‘I think so because all my adjectives are fun, lighthearted, loving, accepting, fluid. Wow and that is exactly what I want in a partner.’ This was a powerful assertion that the exercise not only helps to locate but also to unravel all kinds of relational maps, not just the traumatic ones. It tells us that we are drawn to what is familiar, whether good or bad.
Another commenter directed attention to the core issue and asked without beating around the bush, ‘The question is, what is the way to break the cycle?’ This is where the real work starts, the transition from awareness to action. In response to this question, another participant offered the following insightful guidance, ‘Until you really go through that grief and mourn its loss, you won’t be able to see people for who they are, not the past role they can play for you in the present.’ This signifies the necessity of mourning the childhood we had, or perhaps the one we did not have, in order to stop the repetition of patterns.
One comment that was particularly detailed was basically a repetition of what has been already said but in such a startling manner that the user said, ‘It is so true. You marry “your father”. It is why you keep falling for the same guy. There is an instant sexual attraction between them. It feels FAMILIAR and as a species we are such that we find it very attractive. No matter that attraction, the sad part, disappointment, abandonment, distrust and the like is always to follow. Then the make-up is like a fantasy of your parents reconciling.’ This analysis of the problem fully captures the tragic, repetitive loop that Gilbert was depicting—the strong pull of the familiar and the inevitable heartbreak that follows when we try to heal the past with a present relationship.
Gilbert’s future project, which another contributor considered, ‘sooooo good,’ seems to be the milk of her inquiry into the depths of personal, universal themes. Her courage in telling and showing her vulnerability in love addiction gives others a map out of their own emotional traps. She not only tells a story but also provides a tool.
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The overwhelmingly positive reaction is proof that it is not simply a pop psychology. It is a basic human relationship fact that is getting clearer and clearer; many people feel it already but their efforts in finding the right words for it have not always been successful. Elizabeth Gilbert with the help of that wise woman in therapy gave it a name. And in this way, she gave a simple but powerful key to thousands to start unlocking their own patterns, one adjective at a time. The dialogue initiated by Oprah’s Book Club is far from over; rather, it is just being initiated in the intimacies of cozy living rooms and quiet times of self-reflection all over.